a memory of happiness

Thinking about the January before i turned 22. I was unemployed , and with my bf(at the time) for almost a year. he was suddenly out of work because of a workplace injury. So we were both just living at my mom's house ( lol ) sleeping as long as we wanted, eating, banging all the time. This was probably the only time in my life where i was like, 0 responsibility and not feeling bad about it, just enjoying my life how i wanted to guilt free. The relationship was really awful and we fought a lot, BUT THATS NOT THE POINT HERE. It's amazing what life without capitalist bullshit feels and looks like. Just imagine if you could spend all day in bed with ur lover for weeks, eating delicious food, just drinking up life everywhere and way you could.

I had another period SIMILAR to this maybe half a year after me and that person broke up, where i was unemployed again, but just friggin playing World of Warcraft all day. I was applying to lots of places and not hearing back, which felt awful cuz I needed to help pay for things. I was selling gold to my friend for my wow sub. But i also was spending A LOT of time with my friends. 2 am walks through the industrial area in my town just talking and sharing things, random night drives to the shore and walking the beach, 4 am diner visits.

I miss that stuff so much lately. I've been talking a lot with my friend/shortlived ex/also longtime fwb (WHEN SINGLE) that I shared a lot of those memories with, and we've just been sharing things we remembered. I have a lot of random pictures from those times. I think I feel this way moreso lately cuz im so isolated at home every day, away from Austin, havent been home to NJ since winter 2016. But also like, I wish life could really just be that way again! Not even considering this pandemic, like, if things were safer and healthier, thats a part of my past i'd love to live again. Friends texting me in the middle of the night asking me if i wanna go for a drive and just like FEELING LIFE.

I'm also reminded of my best friend in high school, John. We use to do EVERYTHING together. We use to work at Best Buy together at one point. I spent so much time just watching anime, playing video games, eating takeout, at his home. He was very much romantically interested in me the whole time, and for some time after when i tried to be friends again. Maybe I'll talk about that more in another entry. It is a lot and it really deserves it's own space. Here's John and I from 2009.


Here are some pictures saved on my old hard drive, or from way back on my instagram. Some of these are from my old Blackberry so I'm sorry for the low quality. I'll add some captions too.


My friends Matt, Thiago, and Vinny and I celebrating John's 22nd birthday. I have a lot of pics/video from this night.


John and I at toys r' us. Also lots of pictures from this day.


Matt (basically a brother to me at this point in life) and a guy i think his name is Bill? from a Rutgers house party we somehow ended up at. I think I was 19 here, so 2007?


My absolutely favorite human being i've ever known, I will love him with all my heart forever, Chase. My best friend from NJ. We are at Dave and Busters after randomly going to the MET in nyc. I think this is???? 2009???


A dude I met while working at Fujifilm and I were seeing each other pretty casually, and one night we just drove to NYC to see the christmas tree and walk around.




Me and Russ (the bestie/ex/exfwb) at the shore one random night!

That's all I'll spam for now. Maybe I'll make some posts dedicated to the people in my life I love and/or miss. That might feel good.

I forgot to mention I'm on 3 hours of sleep, ordered a dozen hipster donuts for $21+tip, and have work in an hour.